Today I had dr's appt. It was I also don't know how to describe it. Basically, every single session is the dr trying to get me to admit myself but I hell don't want to. Especially with my birthday this Fri, I would not even think twice! Who wants to spend their birthday in sequestered in the hospital ward! Anyway, I waited super long and then in and out of the room in like 5mins? In the short 5mins, the dr told me straight that he thinks that I am happy and contented with status quo, I am okay with being sick. But I kept saying "NO". Seriously, I have no wish to be with ED! But then, what am I doing to myself? Letting ED win all the time is not going to make it disappear. In fact, I feel like it's taking over all of me! I wished that I could just suffer a sudden loss of memory and forget ED together with it! But is it possible? Maybe? Maybe if I try to get knocked down by a car on the roads or have some accident happen to me, it will end all these shit? I do not even feel like walking more or doing anything more, even watching the tv is such a bore to me. I really really have no idea what I want out of my life. My life just seems like I am like what the psychologist say "living for others, and not myself". The previous session with the psychologist, she asked me what I really want. At that point, I told her off-hand what I want and she basically told me that even what I really want is defined by how others judge me which is exactly what she wants me to know. Honestly, if what I told her about the things were not considered living for my own, then what do I really want? Constantly trying to live up to everyone else's expectations is what I always do. Always the trouble-free, independent, good girl on the surface but totally lost inside? In this case for all my life I have been trying too measure up to others' expectations of me and worse of all, my own crazy expectations. How do I unlearn all these bad behaviours? I wonder.... Can someone just knock me out and maybe miraculously, I might wake up forgetting everything?....

Sorry for being in full emo-mode on my blog but, this is the only way for me to vent because I don't even know or dare to express all the above verbally. Blogging her seems to be the only way for me to be really truthful about my ways and about myself. Other than this, I feel like I am living in a lie.