Ignorance is bliss??.... or a torture???....

My supper, yes I ATE SUPPER!!! OMG!!! I broke my no food rule after 8pm rule!! If that was still like considered healthy, I probably wouldn't have so much trouble with it. I ate fried, yes FRIED Yellow Egg Noodles and Bee Hoon. 1 whole plate of it! Plus 2 sides of vegetables. 1 of it was I guess a starch veg (braised turnips with I don't know dried shrimps and eggs??.... got that because it was new to me....) and the other was sambal stir-fried spinach. OMG!!! braised turnips??.... Starchy root veg.... Braised with dried shrimps and eggs?? Plus the sambal stir-fried spinach???..... Sure that was challenging. The worst was the plate of Fried Bee Hoon and worse off to top it off together with Fried Yellow Egg Noodles (eeks!!! It has been like more than half a yr since I last touched Yellow Egg Noodles)!! While eating I was so guilty because it wasn't exactly the tastiest food around (total waste of precious calories on bad food) but I decided to finish it anyway. You cannot always eat the best tasting food everytime! This is life!! Face it!!!! Okay. Enough of the reassurance from myself.

I am just proud that I broke so many rules at once without thinking much. After eating the food of course I was trying hard to calculate/conjure up the number of calories but decided it was too painful to try to even do it. Of course I felt guilty but I guess at this moment every single calorie and the ignorance of the exact numbers are the best for me. It is just that the guilt that accompanies after that frustrates me! After the meal, I tried to play games on my iphone but realise that my mind kept drifting off towards the guilt. ergh! When will I ever change??? I just wished that time could turn and I could be ED-free. Yes, all the late night Pizza Hut Deliveries and McDonald's Deliveries without the guilt. How I wish..... How I wish I would not obsess about the caloric value and compare it with the taste of the food so much!! Best taste for the least calories???.... See what I mean!! I hated maths as a child and I continue to suck at it in school but why does numbers now suddenly take over my whole life???!! Enough of the whining stupid me!! I should be happy and proud at having challenged ED but why do I feel so stupid and guilty at the same time????.... I wonder... It is like I am constantly torn between the sane me and the insane (ED) me 24/7. Why??!!!! How I wish everything was different....