And the scary trend begins. Yesterday marks the day that I started bingeing and today was worse. It seems to get worser with every meal. One by one, larger and larger binge. I am so tired after the binge that I just concuss and sleep. Yes. Eat, sleep, eat more, sleep, eat more than before, sleep. How do I stop that? This is why I am so afraid of myself. It is like restrict then binge. Now it is the binge phase. How long is this going to last? How much weight and within how short a period of time will I gain uncontrollably? The last record was 10kg in 2 weeks. This time judging from the frequency and amount, it will be even worse than last time. This is exactly why I cannot trust myself. Who am I able to trust to rein me in? To trust completely? No ONE!!!! And not even myself! So God, Please Please PLEASEEEE!!!! HELP ME!!!! WHO AM I ABLE TO TRUST ON THIS EARTH???? It has been hurt and disappointment every time I start trusting and now just when I am starting to trust myself, love myself, I disappoint and start bingeing again. Hurt seems to be the word.

Previously with binge, I could not feel fear, sadness but short moments of happiness derived with each bite. But for me this time round, I try to eat more and more but why do I not derive any form of euphoria? Instead I feel irritated and bad with each bite. I tried everything from chocolate to bread to doughnuts to chips and more and nothing seems to work. No HAPPINESS at all!! Can someone explain to me what is going on? Shouldn't carbs and fats work to make me healthier and happier?? But why do I not feel/get the benefits that I felt from the last time?

I hate myself. I wish to kill myself. But yet I do nothing apart from bingeing to bring me nearer and nearer to my grave. I hate that I don't even have the courage to take a knife and stab myself or cut myself. I hate that the only way that I can kill myself is with ED. Be it starving or now, bingeing. How do I stop all this from happening? It is such a vicious cycle each time. Maybe one or two days down I might miraculously garner the courage to jump off a building? When that happens I guess it will then be finally closure and end of the cycle. Maybe that way might be better? Okay, have to stop thinking about the places to jump off now!!!! NO!!!! I cannot do it!!! ergh!! My mind is so torn apart! One side is telling me to go curl up and die and the other is fighting hard to keep me from doing all the destructive things to myself. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!