I feel like I have to keep this blog to be accountable to both myself and the blog-o-sphere. ED is slowly eating me up and I am putting up a fierce fight against it! But why, why, why???? Why everytime when I start out the day full of hope that I would fight ED and take it down but come meal time I start to ask for smaller portions or choose ultra safe options?!?! But at least during dinner I eat more, like more than normal. I think it's more like a binge. =( I hate myself. I hate my weak will. All the more I do not know why do I hate myself so much to still keep myself in this state?!?!?!

I fooled everyone, from the doctors to my family, that I am doing perfectly fine and well but, I am not! In fact, I am getting worse. I feel more and more depressed, useless, and suicidal as the days passes. I totally hate that I let myself still be in here!!! In the arms of ED!!! Even if I do eat or eat more, I start thinking of it and the guilt just keeps biting. Why can't I just have a normal meal and not think about it?... I wished that I did not keep thinking about the extra birthday cake that I had yesterday! I wished that I did not worry about eating a little too much!! I am so confused and so frustrated at the same time! I do not appreciate the body I see in the mirror. No way I like seeing myself so skinny and bony and sallow but why when the time come to do the right thing, I panic and chicken out of it?! I really hate myself!