Thank you all for the kind support that you have been giving to me! It makes me feel like I really want to take on the challenge and do the exact opposite of what ED dictates me to do! On a bright side, after venting yesterday, I made a decision to start today good. I woke up earlier today so that I could take my time to slowly enjoy my bowl of cereals and milk. I just cannot get enough of it! I wish I could eat it for every meal but that would be unhealthy? So conclusion: I will not. Cereals and milk cannot constitute all my meals. Honestly speaking, this is like the only safe food for me now. I wonder why. I guess I just love it too much to throw it into my un-safe food list? =p

After my leisure breakfast it was off to school. I was feeling all happy with myself but of course ED had to come into the picture. It was like tormenting me about the decision to take breakfast and the possibility of having my full 3 meals and snacks today. School obviously kept me occupied up until 12noon when my stomach started to rumble in the middle of class. It was so loud that the person sitting next to me turned and looked at me. I just pretended that I didn't notice that. As I was struggling with the thought of maybe grabbing some salad from the supermarket nearby for lunch, that is when I called my mum. I asked if she was still at the Japanese restaurant and if she was about to leave. She asked me to join her there so I joined her. This is the first time I have no idea what was on the menu prior to visiting a restaurant. I walked in pretending to be all happy and when I saw the menu I seriously almost did the "running-round-in-circles" immediately. The menu was so not anorexic-friendly. It consisted of everything essentially almost deep-fried (Katsu) and the only dish that incorporated some form of vegetable was cheese stuffed zucchinis. So I put on a bravefront and ordered my meal of stir-fried fatty pork belly with the zucchinis. The meal consisted of a super big bowl of Japanese sticky rice, Miso Soup, side dishes of pickles and radishes and a honestly large plate of pork belly that was covered in thick teriyaki sauce. I prodded at the food and then I noticed that the pork belly was so not lean! It had layers of fats (more fat than actual meat!) that almost made me want to shout out for help. But what could I do?! It was my choice of food and to carry on with the act that I am fine and okay, I pretended that I loved the food. Full of smiles, I made myself swallow the pork belly slices and cheese-stuffed zucchinis. Everything on the set meal that I got was all considered my un-safe foods except for the miso soup? After a few mouthfuls, I realised how much I deprived myself of all these so-called "sinful" food that I wanted to just eat it all. I have no idea why I wanted to just finish everything in sight?!?!?! Do anyone face the same problem as me??? To be anorexic yet having the tendency to binge on food???!!!..... That is what makes me afraid of myself. To restrict and yet to lose total control is mind-blowing. I finished the whole set meal anyways. *Pat myself on the back!* After lunch I headed back to class. While sitting inside the class, I found myself a little more energised then normal but here comes ED again. From 2pm onwards all the way till dinner at around 7.30pm, ED was tormenting me! I literally felt that I was so gonna grow a tummy and had no right to be sitting down immediately after such a sinful lunch. Throughout the whole lesson, my mind was like torn into two parts. One part is the sensible me saying that whatever that I do is good for me and is what normal people do but the other part is my stupid ED telling me to go crazy. Somehow it is just the guilt that kills!

Dinner came around. I struggled if I wanted to eat with my parents or safely hide away and eat rabbit salads but the sensible side of me won. I accompanied my parents to eat and this time, they chose the food court. While I was thinking of what I wanted to eat, I saw the picture of Dry Shredded Chicken Hor Fun (Flat rice noodles with roasted chicken and shitake mushrooms all covered in thick, black gravy) so while ED was shouting "NOOO!!!!!" in my head I ordered a plate from the stall vendor. Honestly, I can still say the Dry Chicken Hor Fun sold near my place tastes way better then the one I had at the food court. I could still remember the taste from my pre-ED days. Imagine how much I was missing it! I finished it all anyways. Happy for myself!

Snacks were a struggle too but of course I made myself eat all of it! Jollibean peanut butter pancakes plus my fruits. I feel extremely proud of myself today as I took on ED every meal and despite it tormenting me, I was able to do the exact opposite of what ED wanted me to do. I know this is what is good for me. By listening to ED, it makes it happy and I do not get the guilt-trip from it but I derive immense guilt towards myself because I know I am essentially bluffing the whole world and myself but yet when I do what ED tells me not to do, ED just punishes me! So who should I be accountable to???? Me and everyone else who believes in me vs ED. Logic and the sensible part of me says that I should choose the former but am I able to do it all the time? I wonder. I am happy that I won every battle today but I am just afraid that tomorrow is a whole new day and I have to start the battles again. Why do I have to battle myself internally??!! Do normal people without ED do this???? Ergh! SEe..... I cannot even term myself as "normal"..... How I wish I could just be one of the people walking down the street, not stuck with ED and it's tight leash on me. When will I find the day when I can break free totally?..... I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to eat without feeling any guilt. I want to be able to concentrate better and perform better in my school. But seriously, by sticking to a weight-gaining plan, will it help? or would it just bring me physical health and not mental health?...... This is something that I have been quite doubtful of. Can someone out there throw some light on this???.... Thanks a million!

Lastly, I realised throughout the day, eating better gave me more energy to walk and stand and it somehow made me fixate less on food, as in instead of thinking and cracking my brains to find an excuse of how to eat the least amount of calories it was more of the guilt after that. Is this good or bad???.... I wonder....