Finally one day I was able to eat out of my safety zone!! Yes, I had snacks and good food in between. Managed to complete getting all the necessary nutrition in. Who said that cheese is bad for you?!!! Yes, I guess only ED???.... ergh!! Felt so bad after that but guess what, I sat it out!! YEAHS!!!

Who said paus (Big Pork Bun) were a total waste of calories??... I guess only my ED.... So what if I ate it because I wanted to try out the new pau I passed by out of curiosity after my dinner?? Did I grow fat in an instant??... Of course I had my usual panic about my stomach literally growing but it is just the thoughts. As what I know, my thoughts can control me but I can also take control of it!! I am incredibly happy for myself as I knew I did what was right for me at this stage to do and not what ED wants me to do! Of course all the constant self assurance inside my brain about "Everybody is different and have different journeys in life. So hell to comparing about food and intake. If I have to eat more than others, it is because I have to and it is only right for me to do so!", is helping so much!! It is literally on constant replay mode. I always use it to counter my anxiety and guilt. I find that the constant reassurance helps in easing my anxieties. I guess now I know what to do with ED thoughts. Next step is to totally eliminate the ED thoughts!!!!!

Wish me best of luck!! =D

Ignorance is bliss??.... or a torture???....

My supper, yes I ATE SUPPER!!! OMG!!! I broke my no food rule after 8pm rule!! If that was still like considered healthy, I probably wouldn't have so much trouble with it. I ate fried, yes FRIED Yellow Egg Noodles and Bee Hoon. 1 whole plate of it! Plus 2 sides of vegetables. 1 of it was I guess a starch veg (braised turnips with I don't know dried shrimps and eggs??.... got that because it was new to me....) and the other was sambal stir-fried spinach. OMG!!! braised turnips??.... Starchy root veg.... Braised with dried shrimps and eggs?? Plus the sambal stir-fried spinach???..... Sure that was challenging. The worst was the plate of Fried Bee Hoon and worse off to top it off together with Fried Yellow Egg Noodles (eeks!!! It has been like more than half a yr since I last touched Yellow Egg Noodles)!! While eating I was so guilty because it wasn't exactly the tastiest food around (total waste of precious calories on bad food) but I decided to finish it anyway. You cannot always eat the best tasting food everytime! This is life!! Face it!!!! Okay. Enough of the reassurance from myself.

I am just proud that I broke so many rules at once without thinking much. After eating the food of course I was trying hard to calculate/conjure up the number of calories but decided it was too painful to try to even do it. Of course I felt guilty but I guess at this moment every single calorie and the ignorance of the exact numbers are the best for me. It is just that the guilt that accompanies after that frustrates me! After the meal, I tried to play games on my iphone but realise that my mind kept drifting off towards the guilt. ergh! When will I ever change??? I just wished that time could turn and I could be ED-free. Yes, all the late night Pizza Hut Deliveries and McDonald's Deliveries without the guilt. How I wish..... How I wish I would not obsess about the caloric value and compare it with the taste of the food so much!! Best taste for the least calories???.... See what I mean!! I hated maths as a child and I continue to suck at it in school but why does numbers now suddenly take over my whole life???!! Enough of the whining stupid me!! I should be happy and proud at having challenged ED but why do I feel so stupid and guilty at the same time????.... I wonder... It is like I am constantly torn between the sane me and the insane (ED) me 24/7. Why??!!!! How I wish everything was different....

I realise that I do have to want it for myself and not for others. I acknowledge and want to get well but yet why when I start everyday happy and full of hope but when the time comes, I let ED take over???.....

And the scary trend begins. Yesterday marks the day that I started bingeing and today was worse. It seems to get worser with every meal. One by one, larger and larger binge. I am so tired after the binge that I just concuss and sleep. Yes. Eat, sleep, eat more, sleep, eat more than before, sleep. How do I stop that? This is why I am so afraid of myself. It is like restrict then binge. Now it is the binge phase. How long is this going to last? How much weight and within how short a period of time will I gain uncontrollably? The last record was 10kg in 2 weeks. This time judging from the frequency and amount, it will be even worse than last time. This is exactly why I cannot trust myself. Who am I able to trust to rein me in? To trust completely? No ONE!!!! And not even myself! So God, Please Please PLEASEEEE!!!! HELP ME!!!! WHO AM I ABLE TO TRUST ON THIS EARTH???? It has been hurt and disappointment every time I start trusting and now just when I am starting to trust myself, love myself, I disappoint and start bingeing again. Hurt seems to be the word.

Previously with binge, I could not feel fear, sadness but short moments of happiness derived with each bite. But for me this time round, I try to eat more and more but why do I not derive any form of euphoria? Instead I feel irritated and bad with each bite. I tried everything from chocolate to bread to doughnuts to chips and more and nothing seems to work. No HAPPINESS at all!! Can someone explain to me what is going on? Shouldn't carbs and fats work to make me healthier and happier?? But why do I not feel/get the benefits that I felt from the last time?

I hate myself. I wish to kill myself. But yet I do nothing apart from bingeing to bring me nearer and nearer to my grave. I hate that I don't even have the courage to take a knife and stab myself or cut myself. I hate that the only way that I can kill myself is with ED. Be it starving or now, bingeing. How do I stop all this from happening? It is such a vicious cycle each time. Maybe one or two days down I might miraculously garner the courage to jump off a building? When that happens I guess it will then be finally closure and end of the cycle. Maybe that way might be better? Okay, have to stop thinking about the places to jump off now!!!! NO!!!! I cannot do it!!! ergh!! My mind is so torn apart! One side is telling me to go curl up and die and the other is fighting hard to keep me from doing all the destructive things to myself. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate feeling the way I feel after I manage to eat a little more (aka normal portion size plus a little more)!! I hate having to binge!! I hate myself!! But at least I am eating more and winning more than before!! Yes, I had my pancakes with red bean, ice creams, pocky packets, cheese, marmalades, breads, yogurts, chocolates and candies but I did not grow into a whale!! But after tonight I wonder will I?? After that monstrous binge.... I dread feeling like crap now!! ergh!! But I know the extra weight is very much needed even tbough bingeing is still not the way to do it!! ergh!!

I wonder why do I do the things I do. I feel so defeated! My inability to study and my inability to feel even happy!!! I hate what I am doing to myself but yet why am I still so persistent in whatever I am doing even though I know it is not the right thing??....

How I wish I could just have a brain transplant.......

Today I had my psychologist session. Finally we came up with what to do. Now all I need is a referral to the OT. I wonder if it will finally work.... As much as I am able to talk the talk, I am just unable to make myself walk the walk!! I hate myself. It's like I can say how good I am doing and all but, it's just pure talk if I don't put it into action. Failure is hard. And I hate failures. In my world, there is no room for failures. But it seems that as of late, ED has managed to widen my world and in fact shift it into failure mode. It seems it is filled with failures and more failures. Successes are far and few. So far that I cannot even see it. When will I snap out of it.

I know it is impossible for immediate recovery which I hope it can be but I hope that I can even get there one day.

Dr's appointment today. Wasn't good at all. Dietitian, gave me hope! She's fab!!! Love her. At least finally one person who is willing to hear me out and understand the difficulties. For her sake and for me in honoring my body, I shall start good!! It's gonna be hard but I know I have to do what is best for me and not ED!! I shall prove to Dr that I can do it and in appreciation for the new Dietitian's trust and effort in coming out with a meal plan that finally should be able to suit my lifestyle!!!

Tomorrow marks the start of a positive new day and victories that lies ahead!!!

After yesterday's shout out of victory to myself, today I am in a totally shit position. Why do I end up bingeing when I have the intention to restrict?? It is like ED is back with a vengeance! It seems to say since you want to eat, just eat everything in sight and go hunt for all the ice-cream and chocolates that you can stuff yourself with. Turn into a whale for all I want!

I wonder is it that because I didn't start off my day right?? Today I woke up with a determination to restrict but..... I guess from tomorrow onwards, I have to do better. Start the day off right to prevent ED from taking charge again. I am not gonna give up fighting because I really want to have a shot at a life free of ED!!

**Keep on fighting!! Don't attempt to throw in the towel yet!!!**

ED be very very scared. As the days goes by, it seems to me that as I eat more and more and without any restrictions anymore, it seems to get weaker and weaker with each bite. Of course it usually kills me after the meals and especially snacks but somehow I managed not to crumble under its constant reminders. Its voice therefore is getting softer and softer. Now I finally start to see the benefits of eating more. More energy to jump around and feel happy and of course study. I am finally starting to really think that I really will get to that day where ED is totally banished from my life. My hopes are getting brighter by the day with its losing streaks every single meal and snack and my total disregard of the caloric values and portion sizes. Yes, so what I had 2 slices of pizza alongside my full plate of pasta with some calamari rings and side salad. ED can go jump off the cliff. Of course after that it had a pretty good time tormenting me but at least I didn't give up and continued to eat ice-cream because I wanted to. I guess not trying to outfight my natural body is doing me way more good than obeying ED's commands. I am so totally proud of how many battles I have won against ED and really really hope that this can continue on! =D

It seems that eating more and listening to what my body wants works to be the best for me. With eating more, I also have less urges to binge eat. Of course ED had it's fair share of hell that it has given me throughout the day, I went ahead to do what was going to be fair to my body instead of what ED wants. With the total disregard for calories counting and a somewhat loosening of the fixed food timings, I feel that ED is finding it harder and harder to attack my mind. As the day progressed on today, I found that ED's presence was somewhat weaker with the passage of time. I know recovery might seem to be going well on for me now but I have to beware too. ED might just be waiting for the right moment to take me down mentally and I will absolutely not want that to happen ever. I will all the more stick to not restricting and listening to what my body wants.

On the side note, I managed to conquer my fears for sampling food given by others without regards for it's caloric amount! I had so much sampling of baked goods thanks to Marks & Spencers! I never knew how much I missed those animal shaped butter cookies from my childhood days so much! Missed it so much! After eating the butter cookies of course I was kind of going mad deep down inside due to ED and immediately felt my hand touch my tummy to check for that bulge but immediately I stopped the action, kept my composure and tried to talk to my parents about the surroundings so as to keep myself distracted from the bad feelings that ED was giving me. I bet ED was fuming! I am so incredibly happy that I chose live and chose to honour my body instead of ED's commands. I feel that if this good streak keeps on going, I might really get to the place where I can finally laugh and live life free of ED's clutches. To be happy and sad for genuine reasons and not because of constantly worrying about calories and my bulging wherever on my body. I want to be able to come to terms with being who I am and loving all of myself and accepting that even though I have my own flaws and cannot be perfect but it is exactly what I have and don't have that makes me unique because no 2 person in this world are alike. (Even identical twins have separate identities!) But of course, self-love cannot be built in a day (how I wished!) and I have to keep in mind that recovery is the road to seeing the light of happiness and freedom from ED and also at the same time I have to continue to accept that I am who I am and not try to beat myself up for not being able to measure up to the person that I think that I want to/should be.

My lovely 23rd Birthday Cake from Perla!!! Delicious~!!!!
Guess what??.... All for the price of $10. It's Lemon Cake. (Top layer of sour lemon gel with 3 layers of vanilla sponges that has fresh cream and chocolates sandwiched in between. Then covered with fresh cream~!!) It is the only fresh cream that me and my family eats off a cake... So good~!!! =)

Before midnight strikes, I just would like to thank all of the encouragement and well wishes that I have received be it through this blog or from my family and friends and a Happy 23rd Birthday to myself~!! =)

Turning 23 is.... I cannot even believe it! The last time I remember I was still that 16 year old kid in secondary school acting all crazy and enjoying life. Fast forward so many years, now here I am typing away on my precious maccie..... I cannot believe how time just flies. All of a sudden I am all grown up but yet trapped in this ED spiral which is hindering me from achieving all the normacy and happiness that I envisioned for myself when I was very much younger. ED shattered all my chances of happiness and I am hell bent on fighting it!

Today ED was so freaking irritated! It didn't even have a chance to pop into my mind today after dinner. I was way too happy! Yes, I polished my whole cake with the help of my mum and sister. ED would love to torment me but seriously, I am so happy that it doesn't even have a chance to squeeze in any sort of comments. It is so outta my life for now and I feel great! How I wish every single moment of my life I could enjoy normacy. I wish that ED had been left in the past and turning 23 today, I have banished it from my life! Hopefully I stay this positive from now on!

Yes, today I fought and won ED yet again. Managed to eat, eat and eat. As what I told the other girls, we have to eat our way to happiness and health after being all miserable for so long. Truly eating better and winning the battles against ED puts me in a more confident place because I know that I might and will have a chance towards health and happiness. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be able to have the energy and concentration to invest in the rest of the things that are truly important to me and not ED! I want to be able to turn into an independent and reliable individual and provide the best for my family and friends. I want to be able to live till a ripe of age and age gracefully. Life is more than just worrying about calories and food. Food is meant to nourish my body and brain and calories are essential for me to live on. There are no bad or good food. Moderation is the key word! Happiness and a strong sense of self-worth are of utmost importance! =)

Thank you all for the kind support that you have been giving to me! It makes me feel like I really want to take on the challenge and do the exact opposite of what ED dictates me to do! On a bright side, after venting yesterday, I made a decision to start today good. I woke up earlier today so that I could take my time to slowly enjoy my bowl of cereals and milk. I just cannot get enough of it! I wish I could eat it for every meal but that would be unhealthy? So conclusion: I will not. Cereals and milk cannot constitute all my meals. Honestly speaking, this is like the only safe food for me now. I wonder why. I guess I just love it too much to throw it into my un-safe food list? =p

After my leisure breakfast it was off to school. I was feeling all happy with myself but of course ED had to come into the picture. It was like tormenting me about the decision to take breakfast and the possibility of having my full 3 meals and snacks today. School obviously kept me occupied up until 12noon when my stomach started to rumble in the middle of class. It was so loud that the person sitting next to me turned and looked at me. I just pretended that I didn't notice that. As I was struggling with the thought of maybe grabbing some salad from the supermarket nearby for lunch, that is when I called my mum. I asked if she was still at the Japanese restaurant and if she was about to leave. She asked me to join her there so I joined her. This is the first time I have no idea what was on the menu prior to visiting a restaurant. I walked in pretending to be all happy and when I saw the menu I seriously almost did the "running-round-in-circles" immediately. The menu was so not anorexic-friendly. It consisted of everything essentially almost deep-fried (Katsu) and the only dish that incorporated some form of vegetable was cheese stuffed zucchinis. So I put on a bravefront and ordered my meal of stir-fried fatty pork belly with the zucchinis. The meal consisted of a super big bowl of Japanese sticky rice, Miso Soup, side dishes of pickles and radishes and a honestly large plate of pork belly that was covered in thick teriyaki sauce. I prodded at the food and then I noticed that the pork belly was so not lean! It had layers of fats (more fat than actual meat!) that almost made me want to shout out for help. But what could I do?! It was my choice of food and to carry on with the act that I am fine and okay, I pretended that I loved the food. Full of smiles, I made myself swallow the pork belly slices and cheese-stuffed zucchinis. Everything on the set meal that I got was all considered my un-safe foods except for the miso soup? After a few mouthfuls, I realised how much I deprived myself of all these so-called "sinful" food that I wanted to just eat it all. I have no idea why I wanted to just finish everything in sight?!?!?! Do anyone face the same problem as me??? To be anorexic yet having the tendency to binge on food???!!!..... That is what makes me afraid of myself. To restrict and yet to lose total control is mind-blowing. I finished the whole set meal anyways. *Pat myself on the back!* After lunch I headed back to class. While sitting inside the class, I found myself a little more energised then normal but here comes ED again. From 2pm onwards all the way till dinner at around 7.30pm, ED was tormenting me! I literally felt that I was so gonna grow a tummy and had no right to be sitting down immediately after such a sinful lunch. Throughout the whole lesson, my mind was like torn into two parts. One part is the sensible me saying that whatever that I do is good for me and is what normal people do but the other part is my stupid ED telling me to go crazy. Somehow it is just the guilt that kills!

Dinner came around. I struggled if I wanted to eat with my parents or safely hide away and eat rabbit salads but the sensible side of me won. I accompanied my parents to eat and this time, they chose the food court. While I was thinking of what I wanted to eat, I saw the picture of Dry Shredded Chicken Hor Fun (Flat rice noodles with roasted chicken and shitake mushrooms all covered in thick, black gravy) so while ED was shouting "NOOO!!!!!" in my head I ordered a plate from the stall vendor. Honestly, I can still say the Dry Chicken Hor Fun sold near my place tastes way better then the one I had at the food court. I could still remember the taste from my pre-ED days. Imagine how much I was missing it! I finished it all anyways. Happy for myself!

Snacks were a struggle too but of course I made myself eat all of it! Jollibean peanut butter pancakes plus my fruits. I feel extremely proud of myself today as I took on ED every meal and despite it tormenting me, I was able to do the exact opposite of what ED wanted me to do. I know this is what is good for me. By listening to ED, it makes it happy and I do not get the guilt-trip from it but I derive immense guilt towards myself because I know I am essentially bluffing the whole world and myself but yet when I do what ED tells me not to do, ED just punishes me! So who should I be accountable to???? Me and everyone else who believes in me vs ED. Logic and the sensible part of me says that I should choose the former but am I able to do it all the time? I wonder. I am happy that I won every battle today but I am just afraid that tomorrow is a whole new day and I have to start the battles again. Why do I have to battle myself internally??!! Do normal people without ED do this???? Ergh! SEe..... I cannot even term myself as "normal"..... How I wish I could just be one of the people walking down the street, not stuck with ED and it's tight leash on me. When will I find the day when I can break free totally?..... I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to eat without feeling any guilt. I want to be able to concentrate better and perform better in my school. But seriously, by sticking to a weight-gaining plan, will it help? or would it just bring me physical health and not mental health?...... This is something that I have been quite doubtful of. Can someone out there throw some light on this???.... Thanks a million!

Lastly, I realised throughout the day, eating better gave me more energy to walk and stand and it somehow made me fixate less on food, as in instead of thinking and cracking my brains to find an excuse of how to eat the least amount of calories it was more of the guilt after that. Is this good or bad???.... I wonder....

Yesterday after saying "How I wished I could make myself have the Dreyer's Vanilla Ice Cream that I have been craving for", tonight after dinner I ate ice-cream! A full-fat ice cream bar!! I had one Ice Manju Strawberry bar! It's a Japanese kind of ice-cream. Full-cream milk ice-cream and inside packed with sweet red bean paste and coated with vanilla flavoured milk with strawberry bits. I had originally not want to devour the whole thing but even thou in the end I didn't really like love it but at least it tasted nice. When my mum asked me if I wanted to finish the bar I didn't even hesitate. I said Okay and ate it all. Okay, I know this is definitely not normal for someone who doesn't have an ED but I still want to congratulate myself and pat myself on the back for totally kicking ED in the butt. It was a triumph for me. Of course after that I was really really guilty and felt that my tummy just instantly grew bigger but, I guess it's just all my own imagination and even if it is true, I believe that the additional fats and weight does help. It gives me more health and happiness? Cannot believe myself that I am actually saying ice-cream is considered something healthy and good. People term ice-cream as a kind of junk food, like what they say, empty calories, but for me now, no food is supposed to be out of boundaries and I have to always remember that EVERYTHING IN MODERATION IS GOOD FOR YOU AND CAN BE PART OF A HEALTHY DIET!

Today I had dr's appt. It was I also don't know how to describe it. Basically, every single session is the dr trying to get me to admit myself but I hell don't want to. Especially with my birthday this Fri, I would not even think twice! Who wants to spend their birthday in sequestered in the hospital ward! Anyway, I waited super long and then in and out of the room in like 5mins? In the short 5mins, the dr told me straight that he thinks that I am happy and contented with status quo, I am okay with being sick. But I kept saying "NO". Seriously, I have no wish to be with ED! But then, what am I doing to myself? Letting ED win all the time is not going to make it disappear. In fact, I feel like it's taking over all of me! I wished that I could just suffer a sudden loss of memory and forget ED together with it! But is it possible? Maybe? Maybe if I try to get knocked down by a car on the roads or have some accident happen to me, it will end all these shit? I do not even feel like walking more or doing anything more, even watching the tv is such a bore to me. I really really have no idea what I want out of my life. My life just seems like I am like what the psychologist say "living for others, and not myself". The previous session with the psychologist, she asked me what I really want. At that point, I told her off-hand what I want and she basically told me that even what I really want is defined by how others judge me which is exactly what she wants me to know. Honestly, if what I told her about the things were not considered living for my own, then what do I really want? Constantly trying to live up to everyone else's expectations is what I always do. Always the trouble-free, independent, good girl on the surface but totally lost inside? In this case for all my life I have been trying too measure up to others' expectations of me and worse of all, my own crazy expectations. How do I unlearn all these bad behaviours? I wonder.... Can someone just knock me out and maybe miraculously, I might wake up forgetting everything?....

Sorry for being in full emo-mode on my blog but, this is the only way for me to vent because I don't even know or dare to express all the above verbally. Blogging her seems to be the only way for me to be really truthful about my ways and about myself. Other than this, I feel like I am living in a lie.

The radio is blasting the music "Bad Day", it totally describes my day on the ED front! I kept worrying about my upcoming birthday and how much more calories I would have to consume as compared to now that I actually listened to ED's commands to restrict to prepare/compensate for Fri. This cannot continue on!! RECOVERY IS A NECESSITY!!! Not something that I want half-heartedly!! But with ED constantly winning, I don't know how long I can carry on!

Today I can finally say that I am making progress!! Yes!! Finally one day!!! Today I managed to eat Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner plus 2 servings of fruits and snacks!! Yes! I feel so much better! After much contemplation, I decided to push myself and allow myself to eat Yong Tau Foo Soup (6 pcs, not all veg!!) with Vermicelli Noodles. I told myself to just forget about saving calories for a proper dinner or lunch. Kicked ED in its butt! Lunch was fried rice with side of pumpkin squash, honey BBQ chicken, 2 Sides of veges and tofu. Dinner was fried noodles with stir-fried veg (broccoli, cabbage, cucumber, carrot, tomato,) with fish cake and seafood, side of some braised turnips with dried shrimps and stir-fried pork with mushrooms. I know lunch was quite a binge because other than what I just wrote, I took more stuff which I am lazy to type it all out, but seriously, at this moment of gaining weight, I could not care less! Of course I would have to admit that the guilt after that was bad but, by the time dinner came, I silenced it by saying that it is something that is good for me. I need the additional food to nourish myself and my brain! Dinner honestly speaking, the fried noodles was indeed guilty. Because I had a super late dinner around 10pm so to me it was out of the norm. In fact, I used to be very afraid of eating after 7.30pm. But today at 10pm I managed to eat fried noodles was so good! Of course I enjoyed it! After denying myself for so long, the taste of oil was, honestly speaking, although not very nice but at least I ate it and told ED to shut up! Since Dinner came so late, I ate some snacks in between lunch and late dinner. My grandma cooked glutinous rice with fried shallots, lap cheong, dried shrimps and mushroom. I decided to eat some to hold my hunger off for dinner. In the past, I would have just said I ate and left the kitchen immediately. ED just convinced me that glutinous rice was all bad carbs (refined white sticky, starchy rice) and the what not fried shallotss, lap cheong and dried shrimps were bad food that combined with all the oil was going to make me grow fat. But today even after the glutinous rice meal, I didn't even hear ED's voice! Somehow just disappeared only until near dinner when it came out to haunt me. But since I had my dinner of fried noodles, ED so totally lost!

I don't know but I feel incredibly proud of myself today! So happy! Is this normal for a normal person to feel so incredibly proud of themselves because they ate properly? I guess not. I guess this is what I have to do everyday from now on and make it a must-do instead of just putting in a half-hearted effort in trying to do it. Afterall, I have nothing to lose because I am clearly in the worse shape that I can be. I want to be able to live a normal person's life. To be happy and unhappy for genuine reasons and not because of hunger, restricting, bingeing, guilt over eating a little but more. I want to live life properly! I want to be able to think, and perform well in my schoolwork. I cannot afford to let ED take all these away from me! I guess by typing it kind of reaffirms my determination to fight ED!

Recovery is a long road and I hope that I can trek through it without much difficulties??.... I wonder....

Today started out well due to the encouragement of Tat (comment from ytd's post). Thanks so much!! After much hesitation, I decided that I should add another apple together with my cereals and milk. Felt so much happier after that!! But this is usually where the bad stuff starts to happen.... I was contemplating to buy a snack or maybe take a Breadtalk bun while shopping but I bypassed the Breadtalk. Next, I tried to go to Azabu Sabo to eat their Hokkaido Ice-Cream, I tried and luckily or unluckily, it did not taste as good as it used to be! But in any case, I also would not buy it because I definitely would not dare to eat it all and still continue being chirpy the whole day. ED won. But at least I did eat ice-cream??!!

Dinner, hmmm, do not mention about it. Safe and stupid choice!! Cereals and milk with okay, to compensate, I added a whole dragonfruit and a slice of papaya. After that around 10plus pm I ate another Fuji Apple. But, come to think of it. Why?!?! This is not even normal!!! It's way too unhealthy even for someone who wants to lose weight!!! Let alone for me!! I need to gain but why is it so hard to fight the monster within me?! I am so scared!! Mood gets worse as I feel more guilt towards everyone else to believes in me and also most of all to myself! I tried to study but could not force myself to even start! I feel so irritated with myself! My life seems to be only worrying about food and eating and not eating and calories which I honestly just make up myself all the time. Why can't I just stop obsessing over it!!!!!!!!! I hate myself!! and most of all, I hate the weak person that I am!!!

I feel like I have to keep this blog to be accountable to both myself and the blog-o-sphere. ED is slowly eating me up and I am putting up a fierce fight against it! But why, why, why???? Why everytime when I start out the day full of hope that I would fight ED and take it down but come meal time I start to ask for smaller portions or choose ultra safe options?!?! But at least during dinner I eat more, like more than normal. I think it's more like a binge. =( I hate myself. I hate my weak will. All the more I do not know why do I hate myself so much to still keep myself in this state?!?!?!

I fooled everyone, from the doctors to my family, that I am doing perfectly fine and well but, I am not! In fact, I am getting worse. I feel more and more depressed, useless, and suicidal as the days passes. I totally hate that I let myself still be in here!!! In the arms of ED!!! Even if I do eat or eat more, I start thinking of it and the guilt just keeps biting. Why can't I just have a normal meal and not think about it?... I wished that I did not keep thinking about the extra birthday cake that I had yesterday! I wished that I did not worry about eating a little too much!! I am so confused and so frustrated at the same time! I do not appreciate the body I see in the mirror. No way I like seeing myself so skinny and bony and sallow but why when the time come to do the right thing, I panic and chicken out of it?! I really hate myself!