I guess it is time.... Cut off all ties and contacts do it once and for all!!

In the time being while I wait for an available bed, I shall keep continuing to battle ED. Eat what it detests and fear!

Doc's appt today. So frreaking dead...... In patient or not?? The decision is mine and I have been frustrating over it for like ages. I am seriously not doing all that fine albeit still no threats of any heart failures or what not. It is just that my mood keeps getting "better" and my agonies have been worsening day by day, min by min. How?!?!..... All the guilty feelings are worsening and deepening! =S

Honestly speaking should I just stop school for this sem and just get over this once and for all or should I still stick on with school and the possibility of part time work and still cope on, slower recovery process, but at least work on it??.... How??... Can someone please give me some sound advice???....

Happy National Day Singapore!! Today went fine without mishaps but on the other hand it spells trouble for ED's recovery phase. If I am feeling so alright and happy now which means ED-fuss-free, meaning I of course didn't do well. Lies after lies. Truth spilled and confessed. Done both, yet balancing it so well. Well, ED loves this side of me yet I, the true person waiting to break free of it's monstrous clutch, hates it to the core!!! I hate the liar in me and I hate ED even more!! It is not as if ED is another monster controlling me. IT IS ME!!!!!!! I myself dictate what I do and what I think but why there are two sides of me??!!! The congruency between this 2 sides are about as far apart as the North and South Pole!! =S HAtes.....

As I sit here typing away on my beloved mackie... I feel worse than ever!.... =( ED is having such a field day tormenting me!

But out of all these, I realised that I would rather deal with ED tormenting me after eating more than expected than denying myself of what I should and want to eat on top of what I should be taking. Cheating myself of the life is like denying myself of a brighter future.. It is like ED will never stop tormenting me anyways. Nobody promised that recovery is going to be a bed of roses but seriously, when will it really end?... I guess I just have to constantly remind myself that this is just a phase that I have to get through and once it's over I can finally be truly happy for I am then able to lead a normal life.

Time for vengence..... Yes, ED be very very scared!!!....

Today was good! I finally made it!! 3 square meals and snacks without cheating!! =D Realised that the guilt from eating without cheating makes me feel like shit but also prevents me from binge-ing as much!! Yesterday I had chocolate wafer biscuits and potato chips apart from some vanilla ice cream. Who says that I cannot eat just for the sake of curiosity??? I guess only ED will. Because it is what normal people do anyways. Just probably without the guilt??... ergh! How I wish everything can just be suddenly normal!!!

Finally one day I was able to eat out of my safety zone!! Yes, I had snacks and good food in between. Managed to complete getting all the necessary nutrition in. Who said that cheese is bad for you?!!! Yes, I guess only ED???.... ergh!! Felt so bad after that but guess what, I sat it out!! YEAHS!!!

Who said paus (Big Pork Bun) were a total waste of calories??... I guess only my ED.... So what if I ate it because I wanted to try out the new pau I passed by out of curiosity after my dinner?? Did I grow fat in an instant??... Of course I had my usual panic about my stomach literally growing but it is just the thoughts. As what I know, my thoughts can control me but I can also take control of it!! I am incredibly happy for myself as I knew I did what was right for me at this stage to do and not what ED wants me to do! Of course all the constant self assurance inside my brain about "Everybody is different and have different journeys in life. So hell to comparing about food and intake. If I have to eat more than others, it is because I have to and it is only right for me to do so!", is helping so much!! It is literally on constant replay mode. I always use it to counter my anxiety and guilt. I find that the constant reassurance helps in easing my anxieties. I guess now I know what to do with ED thoughts. Next step is to totally eliminate the ED thoughts!!!!!

Wish me best of luck!! =D